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Sunday, June 18, 2006

dear dad - pt. ii

dear dad - pt. ii
dear dad,

father's day has always been an uncomfortable day for me. i never know what to do; how to feel; how to act. i've never felt those feelings of true appreciation like i do that special day in may. it's sad and i feel left out- like there's been a joke said that i just don't get. i'm not writing this to hurt your feelings, it's just simply the truth. father's day makes me incredibly sad.

it has been almost a year and a half since i've seen you last. it was a year before you even called. in the beginning i spent a lot of time wondering if you ever thought about me. wondering if you were too inebriated that night to even remember our argument. wondering if you cared. and then you stopped occupying my thoughts. i stopped hoping you'd call. i'd resolved to never hearing from you again. then i began hoping i wouldn't. i was beginning to accept how things were and be "comfortable" with the idea. sure, it made me sad but i stopped crying. i stopped feeling sorry for myself.

then, exactly a year from that night (my birthday) you called and completely caught me off gaurd. i had no idea how to respond and was understandably too flustered for conversation. i was mad because i couldn't say you hadn't called. i was upset because you didn't get it. i was confused because i hadn't thought of how our relationship would be if you ever did call. i was tired of my world being turned upside down whenever you decided it was convienent to play dad.

today i am not angry. today i understand our relationship. today i know the most i can expect... and the least. today i appreciate the truth and i don't expect differently. i still think of you and i hope i make you proud. i still love you today and everyday.

- joleen

(part one found here. neither letter sent.)

9 Comments:

Anonymous tammie said...

wow, joleen - very powerful.
and i can relate- i'm going on 6 years since i last spoke with my dad.
you seem to be in such a healthy place - so strong and sure even in a sad situation.
good for you

8:33 PM  
Blogger Sandrine (alias Didine ♥ ) said...

My dear Joleen ! Your post is like a prayer. The only thing I can tell you is that I understand you so well ! I hope you (your dad and you) will find the way to talk again to each other or at least to let know to each other what feelings you have ! My dad died 13 years ago and I wish I could be able to told him thousands things as you'd like to tell to your dad ! Life is so short. After, it's too late... If you feel no pain at all inside you, if you feel the peace inside you I'm sure life will smile to you both and time will help you ! I hope I didn't offend you ?!! Enormous smooches to you my dear friend !

3:46 AM  
Anonymous kelly said...

Having lost my father more than 3 years ago, fathers day is something I'm not too fond of either. It makes me sad because I realize I was only 18 when he died and didnt have a very good relationship with him. He left my mother when I was 5, and until the day he died, it was a constant battle with them. I'[m still angry at him for all he did to destroy my family.
But death brings a sudden end to a relationship, sudenly I can't feel good for being 'the right one' in an arguement because there is no arguement.
It sounds like your trying to find peace with a difficult situation, and it sounds like you have come very far. Good luck, and know others are in similar circumstances and feel you.

6:20 AM  
Blogger Joleen's Mom said...

My Dearest Joleen,

I am so sorry for the pain you continue to feel over so many things. As your Mom, (and sometimes your Dad too), I know that I have also disappointed you on many occasions. Parenting is very difficult and we learn as we go, sometimes making very bad mistakes. I strongly encourage you to mail these feelings to your dad and allow healing to take place. I believe that your Dad wants to make it right with you. We can never go back and undo anything that has already been done. There is no such thing as making it up to you either. There is, however, a chance to build a new relationship from scratch, should you both want this. The exact thing happened with my mother. I know you’ve heard the story of how I hurt her by telling her (after you were born) that she and I could never have a mother-daughter relationship, but could be friends if we started over. I didn’t mean to hurt my mother, and some of the context of that conversation is missing here, but I was trying to communicate with her that she hadn’t been there while I was growing up. I was trying to tell her that at that point in my life, we had no history to build that intimate type of relationship off of. We did however, make a commitment to start over, and have been blessed many times over because of that decision. As a bonus, God has blessed us with a mother-daughter relationship, complete with many years of wonderful memories…many of them surrounded around you girls. You too, can make that kind of decision. Honestly, most of the memories I have with my mother as a child are not happy, but my memories that we made together after you were born, are happy. Those are the ones I choose to think about. I cherish them and never take my relationship with her or anybody else for granted. I pray for you always, and hope that this phase of your life is “past” soon. There are so many other things I wish I could put in your “past” for you. I know there are things that you and I need to discuss to put behind us. Know that NOTHING is buried and considered not important or irrelevant. Whenever you are ready, let’s sit down and get them out. Let’s build happy thoughts and memories from here on out. I cherish you, my daughter, and love you very much. I long for your happiness and for us to build a friendship…..one to share with your children someday. I want to build many more happy memories with you. I pray you and your Dad can too. Hugs and Kisses…Mom

10:07 AM  
Blogger Yolanda said...

Joleen,
If my father had been living this would have been a very appropriate post for me too. I agree with your mom whose post made me cry.Let your father know how you feel I am sure he proably already senses it deep down and while you still have the time allow healing to occur.
I love your blog and thanks for visiting mine.
yolanda

12:57 PM  
Blogger *aimee* said...

Joleen,

I have to be honest with you in saying that I am at a lack of words right now. My head is spinning and a million thoughts and emotions swirl rapidly within my mind but they are trapped. I could feel your struggle and the peace that followed, by the way you expressed yourself in your letter. It's ironic that something so tragic can be presented with such beauty. I have no words but my heart is deeply rooted and connected to yours in a way that no one else will ever share. We have our own secret-where we're both on the inside, both peaceful, and both strong. Thank you for sharing and as always, for your honesty.

9:29 AM  
Blogger Sharon Zimmer said...

Joleen, you are such a beautiful person inside and out, and you should mail a copy of the letter to your Dad. It might start things in a positive direction, and the worst that could happen is you get no response from him. I have had the same type of awkward relationship with my Dad also. Still. Hugs to you,
Sharon

5:20 PM  
Anonymous Snowbear said...

wow, Dad may be out to lunch but Mom is right on!
Hope it works out!
;-)

10:19 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Wow. This is old, so I don't know if you still check posts but...I can relate. i don't know what your situation is - but I have a dad who is living but whom I haven't spoken to or seen in about 3 years. He has an addiction and after several years and two formal interventions with the family - he CHOSE to love his addiciton more than any of us. So we had to say goodbye. I actually recovered faster than my brothers becuase I used a counselor and went through a grieving process, whereby the dad that I knew died. This new sick guy, I don't really know. And we're no longer saying "please, please love us" not pretending that everything is okay. It's not the way we want it to be -but that's life with addictions and it truly sucks. Big time. So you have to move on.

Anyway - I don't know your situation. But just know that every year on Father's Day - it's hard for me too. I try not to think about it and not to cry. But this year I felt sad and I did cry a little. Because it's not fun to have a dad who doesn't care. Even when you're 48.
Shelley

1:23 PM  

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