{love, joleen} the blog
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dear dad - pt. ii
dear dad,
father's day has always been an uncomfortable day for me. i never know what to do; how to feel; how to act. i've never felt those feelings of true appreciation like i do that special day in may. it's sad and i feel left out- like there's been a joke said that i just don't get. i'm not writing this to hurt your feelings, it's just simply the truth. father's day makes me incredibly sad.
it has been almost a year and a half since i've seen you last. it was a year before you even called. in the beginning i spent a lot of time wondering if you ever thought about me. wondering if you were too inebriated that night to even remember our argument. wondering if you cared. and then you stopped occupying my thoughts. i stopped hoping you'd call. i'd resolved to never hearing from you again. then i began hoping i wouldn't. i was beginning to accept how things were and be "comfortable" with the idea. sure, it made me sad but i stopped crying. i stopped feeling sorry for myself.
then, exactly a year from that night (my birthday) you called and completely caught me off gaurd. i had no idea how to respond and was understandably too flustered for conversation. i was mad because i couldn't say you hadn't called. i was upset because you didn't get it. i was confused because i hadn't thought of how our relationship would be if you ever did call. i was tired of my world being turned upside down whenever you decided it was convienent to play dad.
today i am not angry. today i understand our relationship. today i know the most i can expect... and the least. today i appreciate the truth and i don't expect differently. i still think of you and i hope i make you proud. i still love you today and everyday.
- joleen
(part one found here. neither letter sent.)
father's day has always been an uncomfortable day for me. i never know what to do; how to feel; how to act. i've never felt those feelings of true appreciation like i do that special day in may. it's sad and i feel left out- like there's been a joke said that i just don't get. i'm not writing this to hurt your feelings, it's just simply the truth. father's day makes me incredibly sad.
it has been almost a year and a half since i've seen you last. it was a year before you even called. in the beginning i spent a lot of time wondering if you ever thought about me. wondering if you were too inebriated that night to even remember our argument. wondering if you cared. and then you stopped occupying my thoughts. i stopped hoping you'd call. i'd resolved to never hearing from you again. then i began hoping i wouldn't. i was beginning to accept how things were and be "comfortable" with the idea. sure, it made me sad but i stopped crying. i stopped feeling sorry for myself.
then, exactly a year from that night (my birthday) you called and completely caught me off gaurd. i had no idea how to respond and was understandably too flustered for conversation. i was mad because i couldn't say you hadn't called. i was upset because you didn't get it. i was confused because i hadn't thought of how our relationship would be if you ever did call. i was tired of my world being turned upside down whenever you decided it was convienent to play dad.
today i am not angry. today i understand our relationship. today i know the most i can expect... and the least. today i appreciate the truth and i don't expect differently. i still think of you and i hope i make you proud. i still love you today and everyday.
- joleen
(part one found here. neither letter sent.)
posted by Unknown at 7:10 PM
7 Comments:
wow, joleen - very powerful.
and i can relate- i'm going on 6 years since i last spoke with my dad.
you seem to be in such a healthy place - so strong and sure even in a sad situation.
good for you
My dear Joleen ! Your post is like a prayer. The only thing I can tell you is that I understand you so well ! I hope you (your dad and you) will find the way to talk again to each other or at least to let know to each other what feelings you have ! My dad died 13 years ago and I wish I could be able to told him thousands things as you'd like to tell to your dad ! Life is so short. After, it's too late... If you feel no pain at all inside you, if you feel the peace inside you I'm sure life will smile to you both and time will help you ! I hope I didn't offend you ?!! Enormous smooches to you my dear friend !
Having lost my father more than 3 years ago, fathers day is something I'm not too fond of either. It makes me sad because I realize I was only 18 when he died and didnt have a very good relationship with him. He left my mother when I was 5, and until the day he died, it was a constant battle with them. I'[m still angry at him for all he did to destroy my family.
But death brings a sudden end to a relationship, sudenly I can't feel good for being 'the right one' in an arguement because there is no arguement.
It sounds like your trying to find peace with a difficult situation, and it sounds like you have come very far. Good luck, and know others are in similar circumstances and feel you.
Joleen,
If my father had been living this would have been a very appropriate post for me too. I agree with your mom whose post made me cry.Let your father know how you feel I am sure he proably already senses it deep down and while you still have the time allow healing to occur.
I love your blog and thanks for visiting mine.
yolanda
Joleen, you are such a beautiful person inside and out, and you should mail a copy of the letter to your Dad. It might start things in a positive direction, and the worst that could happen is you get no response from him. I have had the same type of awkward relationship with my Dad also. Still. Hugs to you,
Sharon
wow, Dad may be out to lunch but Mom is right on!
Hope it works out!
;-)
Wow. This is old, so I don't know if you still check posts but...I can relate. i don't know what your situation is - but I have a dad who is living but whom I haven't spoken to or seen in about 3 years. He has an addiction and after several years and two formal interventions with the family - he CHOSE to love his addiciton more than any of us. So we had to say goodbye. I actually recovered faster than my brothers becuase I used a counselor and went through a grieving process, whereby the dad that I knew died. This new sick guy, I don't really know. And we're no longer saying "please, please love us" not pretending that everything is okay. It's not the way we want it to be -but that's life with addictions and it truly sucks. Big time. So you have to move on.
Anyway - I don't know your situation. But just know that every year on Father's Day - it's hard for me too. I try not to think about it and not to cry. But this year I felt sad and I did cry a little. Because it's not fun to have a dad who doesn't care. Even when you're 48.
Shelley
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