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Tuesday, July 26, 2005

self portrait tuesday- hiding

snapshot
This week's self portrait was a bit harder for me than the others have been. I've done so many shots of "part" of me. This week I struggled with what to focus on for my portrait. I'm in a bit of a funk regarding my weight and a shot of anything more was out of the question. I've never been a skinny girl but I was comfortable with myself + my weight when I graduated high school and the few years after that. I maintained my weight for several years. After Alex and I got married in March 2004 I gained twenty pounds in five months. That's a LOT to gain in that short of a time. I started Weight Watchers and lost twelve of those pounds. Losing weight for me is a full time job. Seriously. It's incredibly hard. I feel like I become obsessed with what I am eating and working out literally every available moment. Then, as suddenly as I began to lose weight, I stopped. In the eight months that followed I've gained those twelve pounds back plus an additional five. I am currently at my highest weight ever and I feel so depressed about it. I feel tired just thinking about what I have to do to lose the weight but I feel sick to see myself like this. I am sad that I don't feel comfortable showing you "ME" because I have such negative feelings right now. I am hoping that this will change. I am hoping to get the courage to do what needs to be done so that I can become a healthier, happier ME.

18 Comments:

Blogger joy madison said...

You can DO it!!!!! Weight Watchers really worked for me, but you DO get obsessed with what you are eating! I hope it works out for you!

10:45 PM  
Blogger caliope said...

:D

12:09 AM  
Blogger Shell said...

Well in spite of your weight issues you take a pretty awesome photo. I'm the same though, I've gone up and down like a yo yo my whole damn life - I'm bigger than my smallest but smaller than my biggest at the moment and I refuse to diet ever again! I've found the best thing is getting off my butt every day and going for a nice long walk. As long as you're healthy you should feel good about yourself whatever your size right? It's this crazy image conscious world in which we live in that makes us feel shitty about a few extra kilos - be kind to yourself, cause you're a crafty star!

12:54 AM  
Blogger Emily said...

I totally agree with Shell...it's funny how people put so much emphasis on weight...as though weight equals intelligence, beauty, kindness, compassion, etc. It doesn't.

I'm large and tall and I'm at the point where I'm happy with who I am rather than what I weigh. I would like to be a bit more fit and toned.

Don't get discouraged or sad about it. And if you do, just go outside even for five minutes and walk around. I don't know if you've got humidity where you live, we do and this totally discourages me from any outdoor activity. It discourages our dog too, so I'm not exaggerating!

Also, when you feel down do some simple stretches. This makes me feel better. Anything that makes you breath a bit more is a good idea.

1:55 AM  
Blogger Jenn said...

I watched a show once where cindy crawford and rachel hunter both said that they don't really look anything like the photos they are seen in. they are airbrushed and made-up, etc. etc. and they both commented on how this made them upset because they were helping to set up an ideal that no one could live up to. I think it is good to be healthy. I am going to ww right now so I know what you are going through. But I also know all will be fine. you are a very talented and sweet person and I think you have a lot of people who love you so just settle back, make small changes and enjoy!

6:25 AM  
Anonymous aunt kim said...

joleen, i wish i had magic words for you to make you feel better but i so know your pain. i am there all of the time and one would think that with our busy life with kids we should be skinny. wrong! i know the walking is key with any weight loss plan, if it wasn't so darn hot i would be walking right now. :) we can do it and we will. i am here for you if you need me :0)

9:33 AM  
Blogger Aimee "Roo" said...

i know what you mean! what is it about putting on that wedding ring that adds the extra pounds so fast! i gained 20 since being married, and although i am still in a healthy range, i feel low about it.

i have been just watching my calorie intake, trying to keep it good, but not depriving myself of things. and then of course, i have been walking everyday. the walking has done more than just help me burn calories, it makes me happier. :) excersize really does give you endorphines after all!!

maybe we should all create a "happily married chubby wife" club!

10:25 AM  
Blogger michelle said...

weight is a big issue for me, too. I used to be anorexic and become easily obsessed and controlling about food. I don't look at the scale (even at the Doctor's office) and judge how i am doing by the fit of my clothes. Good luck, just know you are not alone, and you are so very talented!!!

12:09 PM  
Blogger Sarah said...

I love your photo! I too am dealing with a wieght issue. I had my baby 8 months ago and am still 35 poounds more than I was before I had her!!! Funny thing is.. I was ok with it. My dad is the one telling me all the time to loose weight and such. I finally realized as strange as it sounds that I'm not done being pregnant! told you it was wierd. I know this is our last baby and having extra wieght on my tummy, butt and thighs is a reminder of how powerful a woman's body is and what it is designed for. I love my soft flabby tummy that brought my babes forth, my thick thighs and ample hips.. Now I've got others telling me that's not ok... OUT LOUD! so it's hard... I want to feel pretty but it's clear that in our society pretty is THIN and that stinks for women who struggle with wieght issues and self esteem. I think you are Beautiful!!!!! for real, not just saying so!

1:06 PM  
Anonymous maria said...

great self P!!! cheers, mav

1:47 PM  
Blogger Joleen's Mom said...

Wow! This topic sure got a lot of comments in a short period of time. I guess you know that you are not alone. Working the long, late hours that you work, and grabbing fast food dinner on the way home at 9 or 10 at night doesn't help. You'll be moving closer to work soon, and life will get a little slower if you let it. Try not to get down on yourself. You are beautiful, in and out, big or little. You are more talented than anyone I know, and you know I'm not just saying that because you're mine. I love you and will continue to hold you up in prayer. When you're ready to WW, we'll work on it together just like before!

6:18 PM  
Anonymous katey said...

I feel the exact same way!! You're not alone at all! Just remember to stay balanced in everything you do.

8:37 PM  
Anonymous tracie said...

I love your photo. I hope you feel confident to come out from behind the camera soon!

8:50 PM  
Anonymous Jelene said...

I know what you mean Joleen. I've ALWAYS struggled with my weight, ever since I was little. I battled my weight and when I met my fiance, I had lost like 25 lbs from weight watchers... then 3 years passed and I got too "comfortable" I guess.. and I gained a whopping 60+ lbs. I can't believe it. I FEEL HORRIBLE ABOUT MYSELF. I NEVER take pics of myself, and if I do, it's only of my face. I am so embarassed if I see someone I know from high school or college. I hope since I've colored my hair a dif. color, maybe they won't notice me as much! Weight issues are a constant struggle! *hugs* Jelene :)

11:37 PM  
Anonymous Aimee said...

Dear Joleen,

Wow, what support! First of all, let me say that I am proud of your honesty and willingness to confront an issue that clearly haunts so many people. Be empowered by each word of encouragement here, because it is all true. Each of these ladies has been given a glimpse into your life and into your soul, and daily, each come back for more. Do you ever wonder why we all make a point to read your blog everyday? It isn't because we have nothing else to do, but rather because we love you and the gifts you share (the silly ways you touch each of our lives, making us feel 'normal' is this critical world).

Joleen, I have never met a kinder person with such a huge heart and great drive to impact this world. That is only one element of what makes you beautiful. As far as your physical appearance...whatever your weight, you are always groomed, always in style and always looking better than anyone you're with. When you alone are ready, you have the support to reach whatever goals you have regarding your heath. I love you Joleen and would do whatever I could to make you happy...your not alone, but the choice is yours.

9:14 AM  
Blogger robin said...

I don't know you at all Jolene, but your words really hit home with me. I too have struggled with my weight since I graduated from highschool. After trying all the gimmicky diets etc. I finally realized that the only way to get fit and healthy is to eat right and exercise. Hard work. No shortcuts. Plain and simple. Like yourself, I want to feel good about myself once again. I wish you well on your journey and please know that you are not alone. Hugs!!

11:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

It is 12:30am here in Georgia. I wanted to read your blog before retiring. I haven't been able to sleep normal hours. I am always enlightened when I read about your daily up's and downs. I sobbed out loud when I read your blog regarding your self portrait. Oh how Aimee hit the nail on the head and I only wish I could have said it first. God loves us all no matter what we look like. If you lost weight or gained weight His love for you will always be the same. You are so loved and it is proven daily by the people who follow your site. The only thing on you that I see that has and will continue to gain weight is your heart! Stay as beautiful as you are and don't sweat the small stuff. Blessings, Grams

9:34 PM  
Anonymous sfknitter said...

hey jolene,
yeah, i got married and gained 25lbs! What the heck?!
and now i'm trying to lose it. YUCK!
Hah, my husband also gained 25lbs. So I don't feel so bad. But I know it's going to be so much easier for him to lose it!

5:33 PM  

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