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Tuesday, August 02, 2005

dear dad

dear dad
Tuesday, August 2, 2005

Dear Dad,
It has been four and a half months since out last encounter. We've gone this long and longer without speaking but never with animosity between us. Each of these times I've been the one to break the silence but I can honestly say that this is the last time. I refuse to live my life like this. I have to assume you just don't care because you've been confronted on more than one occassion and given a fresh start on such occassions. I cannot express to you the wrenching sorrow I feel. I try to put you from my mind and from my heart. I try to speak of you as if it doesn't break my heart and this always results in tears. I feel so abandoned.
Is life so bad? Are you so depressed you can't function properly? I prefer this thought to the belief that you are just an incredibly selfish individual. Your daily actions do not effect me like I am sure they do those in your home- but I know you can do so much better. You can be a contribution to society. You have so many things to offer this world and Him. I hope and pray that you get the help you need. Until you do I have to pretend you don't exist. I have to move on with my life. I have to get help for the damage done. But don't worry (if even you would), I'll be okay.

Love, Joleen

Note: I wrote this letter in my journal and I do not intend on mailing it. Just writing it helped.


Blogger caliope said...

in response to your comment: it was a friend of mine that did the belt :)

12:09 AM  
Anonymous aunt kim said...

why not send it to him? afterall its straight from your heart and though he doesn't deserve it you need the closure. its obvious! its been very heavy on your heart. he, like many sperm donors, need to face reality and in this case its the reality of losing 2 wonderful daughters due to his selfishness. he has never tried to be any part of your life, whether it be the good or the bad, the happy or the sad. he hasn't been there. don't ever feel that you should have done more, it's not your job as a kid to build the relationship. very much so this is his loss and i am very sad for him because if he only knew you as your family does he would see and fully regret not being a part of your life. we are the lucky ones in this case cause we don't have to share you with him! we love you and i do hope you get whatever help you might need. i just wish adults (and sometimes children) would be more accountable for their actions and be responsible for the life they have created. have an awesome day :)

10:25 AM  
Blogger michelle said...

what great strength...it is so much better to "get it out" than to hold it in and mull over and over again. I hope for healing for your heart.

1:46 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I hope you're feeling better, now that you've written the letter. but i do believe that it should be mailed to your father. Sorry for give my opinion in such an intimate subject...

4:20 AM  
Anonymous kelley (craftyasschick) said...

i could send that to my own dad.
i hope you're able to move on without feeling guilty. it's a hard road.

11:22 AM  
Blogger joy madison said...

I'm praying for you Joleen

11:16 PM  

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