{love, joleen} the blog -->

Friday, April 21, 2006

a long time coming

alongtime
this isn't a happy post. this isn't art or my latest craft. this isn't fun or a vacation. this is me. and i'm depressed. i've chosen for so long to keep this blog about things that are beautiful + inspiring to me and others. there have been times i've wanted to rant or cry to you. many times. the thing you need to know about me is that you're such a big part of everything. i work all the time and when i'm home i don't want to leave. i have less than a handful of 'real life' friends. i have you and i have family. i'm grateful and im not complaining. sometimes i wish you knew me more. sometimes i wish i could be more honest. it's hard to be honest with the world. it's hard to be honest with myself. i've suffered from depression on and off for about 5 years. right now, is on. and by right now i mean for the last few months. this time around i'm extremely sensitive and volatile. i have serious anger issues that are deeply routed. the feelings come hard and fast. i sometimes just want to break something or (we're being honest here) hurt myself. i just want to feel the pain physically instead of emotionally sometimes. it's because of this that my cell phone needs to be replaced. it had a date with the wall the day before yesterday and didn't survive. better it than me. i'm really tired and i'm really stressed. i'm really tired.

i don't mean to upset you. you don't have to call the police or even call me (you can't anyway- i don't have a phone lol). i just wanted to let you know. i feel better just doing that. so thank you. and thank you michelle for giving me the courage to be honest.

ps- i don't mean to sound so blah-de-dah.. it's not all bad and i still enjoy sunshine, spring flowers, and sidewalk chalk. ;)

29 Comments:

Anonymous amanda said...

oh, joleen...I am thinking of you and sending you wishes of health and peace in your heart. I *know* depression so very well--it's been a frequent visitor in my own life. I hope you are finding/using the resources you need right now--whatever those may be. Bravo to you for your truth-speaking. Many many hugs to you.....xoxo.

11:25 AM  
Anonymous Gemma said...

I've been there and I know how hard it is. Just take it one day at a time.

Sending happy thoughts your way.

11:32 AM  
Anonymous sassybead said...

Joleen,

Oh, how I understand...I'm here, holding your hand if you need it. Here's a thought for when you want to throw things. I have a soft cloth bag that I keep my undies in. It's about the size of a basketball. Last time I went through a very angry time when my cat was very sick, I threw that thing around my bedroom. It was wonderful - nothing broke, and it felt soooo good. I could grab it by the drawstring and hit things and fling the bag with anger and frustration. Somehow, that venting was so cathartic...

Meanwhile, I hope you get some rest verrry soon.

11:48 AM  
Anonymous beki said...

How brave you are to be so honest - with us and yourself. I've had my moments with depression and it is no fun place to be. Know that you're not alone.

11:58 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dear j.:
Please consider seeing your doctor. Sometimes depression has an organic foundation...it's worth investigating. Depression is so much more common than anyone realizes, and I think our modern day lifestyle has alot to do with it. We as women can get so isolated when what our souls need is companionship. Please know you are in my prayers. You ARE NOT alone!
Tam V.

12:08 PM  
Blogger Mamarox said...

Been there, done that. Talk to your doctor and if you are taking birth control pills, you may want to stop, they do horrible things to seratonin levels (I learned this the REALLY hard way)
Big Hugs and a bowl of pudding!
Carol

1:48 PM  
Anonymous traci said...

thanks for sharing this. it's brave of you to open up on this space. but also comforting perhaps that a perfect strange r can relate and care. i'm new to your blog, and it looks like we'll be swap partners. i'm looking forward to visiting more often. you have such lovely things up here. and sometimes the lovliest are the hardest things to write. take care and be well.

3:56 PM  
Anonymous Sarah said...

Oh Joleen! I am thinking of you and I hope that this rough patch gets better. I always feel a little guilty writing an unhappy post on my blog - but sometimes it's just cathartic and you need to do it!

5:04 PM  
Blogger Heather said...

Joleen, I'm so glad that you opened up and shared. Michelles post was inspiring in that it allows us to recognize that it's so common and we arn't alone. I hope you have the courage to seek some help out for yourself. I love that you wrote this and I know that people will love you even more for showing this side of yourself. I've so been there. There is lots of help out there.

5:16 PM  
Blogger TJ said...

First time poster, been a lurker for a little while now. Anyway, love the blog, it takes courage to really open up to people, friends and/or strangers.

Side note, I agree on the birth control comment. I turned psycho a few years ago after being on bc, realized it, went off and bam, back to being me.

:)

5:47 PM  
Anonymous tammie said...

my thoughts are with you -
such a hard struggle -
it takes a lot of courage to put it out there on your blog - just know there are lots of sending hugs your way..
it's hard to always put the rosy side of us on our blogs and maintain the "only happiness" posts, so i hope you felt a little free when posting something not so positive, but oh, so real...

6:08 PM  
Blogger Jenn said...

It was so strange to hear that you get angry and depressed...I always think of you as so sunny and positive. I think on most blogs we only see what others want us to see...or what they think we would be interested in. I think that you are human. I think, from what I can tell, that you are probably the person everyone else comes to for help and strength, and now that may be taking its toll. the friends we make in "blogland" are real friends though, I think. and we are always here if you need us.

7:17 PM  
Anonymous Laura Duet said...

Dear Joleen,

I read your blog everyday. I really love it and in the "internet way" I love you too. I think you are truly a beautiful spirit and talented artist. Just want you to know that you are in my thoughts and prayers. Depression is a tough deal. I have experienced it. It helped me to go to counseling and be on an antidepressant for awhile. Maybe that would help you. but either way, please realize how important you are to so many, your family, your friends, your internet fans...so please take good care of yourself!
love, laura

8:38 PM  
Blogger DinDin said...

Sometimes it is better to write it out or talk to someone about what it is that you're upset about. They may not be able to give you suggestions, but just by having them listening/reading it would help too.
hugs & xoxo

8:41 PM  
Blogger Megan said...

Joleen ~

Lifting you up in prayer....
I'm so glad you shared this with us...

I'll be praying like crazy... and sending you love & warm thoughts along the way.
Friends lift eachother up...that's what we are here for...
Meg

8:55 PM  
Blogger mrsskeels said...

Dearest Jo: what to write and not sound too much like Mom. Is that possible, considering I AM Mom. Know that I love you very much. Depressive disorders run in our family and you know I have been plagued with it throughout my years. I could not have gotten through those times without medication. I beg you to listen to your friends who love you and see your doctor. I have asked you many times and offered to go with you and still will. Please go see a doctor. Also, please don't hold it all in. That's why we burst. You've seen the many dates with the wall my objects in life have had. It's not pretty and it really doesn't make you feel any better anyway. Maybe you can come home for the weekend and just rest? Sometimes that helps temporarily anyway. Let me leave you with one picture thought. Right before I had my nervous breakdown so many years ago, I had one of the best lessons in therapy that I ever had had. My therapist had me stand up. She started piling everything she could find on me. My purse, her purse, books from her shelf, pillows from the sofa, games, whatever I could hold. I collapsed, Jo! Then after she helped me back up, she started removing the items one at a time and my burdens became lighter. Are you getting the picture? I get tired just reading your blog. This might be a good time to lighten your load for a little bit. Take care of Joleen! You can't continue being effective at anything if you fall apart. I've been in a psych ward....not pretty. Here's my final thing. (I hope I'm not going too long and you're not feeling lectured), invited God back into your life, baby. He is just waiting for your call. Also, call your Mom. She has two strong shoulders. I love you. Hugs and Kisses...Mommy

8:56 PM  
Anonymous Ky said...

sweet joleen, it is so brave of you to share with such honesty. i imagine it was probably a catharsis for you, as well - to release the words that you were worried to share. i can relate to you in so many ways, and have often thought to myself "why on earth have i not met joleen yet?!" i have been told (more times than i care for) that i am a difficult person to get to know, that i have a wall around me, and i am trying soooo hard to break it down. we DO need to get together - rose bowl flea market anyone?!! love you!

8:56 PM  
Blogger liz elayne said...

thank you for writing with such courage and honesty...
i honor your brave soul and you put all aspects of who you are out there into the world. you are not alone. i say again, you are not alone.

9:19 PM  
Blogger *aimee* said...

Joleen,

My heart wrenches when I think of the turmoil you must be experiencing. I am no different from the rest of your fans…I don’t really have anything therapeutic to encourage you with because I know that depression is real and it sucks and it really sucks. I know that it has power over millions of people, and I know that it can leave you feeling debilitated and defeated. I am sending all my love to you and lots of prayers.

“The cats dead, Joleen!” Umm…well I tried. I guess that wasn’t very therapeutic either, but I hope the memory makes you smile. :o) Call (from the hub-bees phone) if you need anything.

9:21 PM  
Blogger purplecupcake said...

Oh Joleen, you're not alone and I truly genuinely understand you...sometimes I'm there with you and know how you feel!
The blog world enables us to channel our emotions and I'm glad you did. You really seem to be so cheery all the time and now I realize that you are indeed human too and feel like everyone else! No one is perfect and you are really a charming girl who knows how to make me happy.
This may sound cheesy but I look forward to visiting your blog everyday because it's so happy and colorful and it makes me feel so nice and comfy inside!
We're all here for you and if you need an extra ear just email me at azian_kreazian@yahoo.com for anything!

11:59 PM  
Anonymous teresa said...

I feel for you sweetie! Funny how everyone thinks that blogs have to be politically correct only portray the happy things. I applaud you for writing what you did. You are only human. And that is 100% enough. I sure hope you feel better soon.

4:11 AM  
Blogger Carrie said...

Joleen, I'm sorry. It's hard. Life is hard. And I know it's hard to put on a happy face when you don't feel that way on the inside. Thank you for opening up and expressing yourself. You must know you aren't alone in this (tortured artist syndrome?), and I hope you find a way through this rough patch. It happens to many of us, myself included, but be careful. Hurt as many hard, plastic or metal objects as you can, but don't hurt yourself...
XO. C

6:19 AM  
Blogger mrsskeels said...

Boy, you are loved. I could feel all the hugs from here! :) Wanna go to the sports store for a punching bag today? I've always wanted one of those......

9:25 AM  
Anonymous Paula said...

Hey Joleen, I read your blog every single day and never before left a comment. But today I just felt like saying hi, to let you know that although I'm quiet, I'm always sending you my best wishes. I'm very proud of your courage and please never hurt yourself (not even a teeeeny tiny bit), because we all love you SO MUCH.
Lots of love from Brazil to you.
xoxoxoxo

1:24 PM  
Anonymous Kelly said...

Sweetie, dont feel bad for sharing. Having ADHD and a panic attack disorder I sometimes feel crazy. Just know that there are many many people in similar situations. It doesnt help, I know, when your having a particularly bad day...but just know that
love and lots of sunshine
Kelly

3:02 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dear Joleen,
I have been feeling depressed for awhile now . . . i don't know how long.
Like you I am "okay" no need to call the police and I am not eyeing the oven . . .i blame my depression on my hormone level, lack of summer sunshine and perhaps my Mom's DNA
I just say this to let you know you are not alone. I enjoy reading your blogg and i think you are very very talented and it is so great you share this with all of us.
Please make an appointment to talk to your doc, if you have a good one and find a good counslor, don't put it off. If you think of hurting yourself, then you need to take care of yourself . . . go get help.
I hope I don't sound "preachy", that's why I told you a little about myself. We all get "down" sometimes but depression isn't fun.
Time for a change. Take care of Joleen.
With Love, Becky

10:16 PM  
Blogger Funky Art Queen said...

You are so talented girl. And so young, such a future ahead of ya! The depression, see a doc. No big deal, get your hormones checked, thyroid etc. You may need an antidepressant. It will help so much. See a good doc-female docs are great! I can relate to so much that you say. You take care and thanks for inviting me to Simply Smitten. I love that group already!

4:53 AM  
Blogger alyshajane said...

I can really empathise with you on all accounts. I'm going through a similar thing with depression (inc. the wanting to hurt yourself) and some other issues at the moment. Like you, I recently talked about it on my weblog.

I don't know that I can offer anything that will be helpful (still sorting it out myself), but I can offer a friendly ear, one that understands what it is like to feel that way.

Writing this post shows that you have a lot of courage and strength, and you have a wonderful response from your readers! Isn't it wonderful how many caring hearts there are on the web?!

I hope the depression eases and more joy comes into your life.

Take Care,
alyshajane (pink_breeze on Flickr)

10:33 PM  
Blogger Amanda said...

(((Joleen))) Sometimes being honest is a good thing. I can totally relate to you. Though I am sometimes too honest on my blog. And you are right with the way the world is and views people it is scary. If you ever need a good friend, I am here for you. Love you!

7:50 AM  

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